Comparison isn’t just the thief of joy. It's the thief of life. It’s noisy. It’s incessant. It’s like a disease that enters your body and makes a home there, multiplying itself and spreading, doing its best to consume you.
I’ve been stuck in this spiral of comparison for some time now.
Aaron Burden via Unsplash
My issues with comparison show up when I’m trying to figure out how to move forward with achieving the goals that I’ve set for myself: become a successful published author, run a successful editing business.
The most common place for someone with limited connections, like myself, to begin to generate ideas on how to approach these goals is to see what others before me have done. And don’t get me wrong, having so much available information online is a wonderful resource to have. There are people out there who took the L for a long time and figured it out and now selflessly and accessibly share their knowledge for others to follow in their footsteps.
The problem with this is that we’re all inherently very different individuals, even if our goals are similar. Our minds, our lives, take on very distinct, irreproducible paths, much like the thumbprints on our fingers. We come from different backgrounds, we have experienced life in such unique flavors and colors that one person’s advice, no matter how well-intended, is not bound to fit all of us.
(And let’s be honest, a lot of the advice out there about how to grow your business is made with extroverts in mind.)
And sure, if there’s something you want badly enough, then you don’t let these things get in the way. The problem is that when you’re trying to follow advice based on someone else’s experience or designed with someone else in mind, every step of the way reveals a bigger obstacle.
Then the negativity that so often comes alongside comparison creeps in. For me, it’s always in the shape of self-criticism: Why can’t I be more like that? Why can’t be more extroverted? More charismatic? More creative? Have more money? A bigger house? A more aesthetic house? More aesthetic outings? A younger looking face? Why am I not a more interesting individual? Do I even have anything to offer? Why was I handed such a short hand at birth?
It's a spiral, and once it gets started, it becomes a flood that no dam can retain. It touches everything, down to the very things I love and have always felt the most gratitude for. It’s like a grayscale filter falls over my life, and suddenly nothing is good enough because, clearly, I’m not good enough, and thus, must be underserving of better things and grander opportunities.
And there’s the added guilt that comes with it. The knowledge that I’m privileged in many ways. That I actually do have so much that I should be grateful for because there are many out there less fortunate than me. How dare I want more.
But the issue isn't wanting more. The issue is where the lens of this wanting is focused.
Growth is an instinctual need in all of us. The universe itself is constantly expanding and, as such, so are we. Growth manifests in us, as human beings, in a different way, but it’s the basis of the same thing.
It’s universal nature to want to expand. But things get muddled when we’re looking for that expansion to come from the outside in rather than from the inside out.
It's not about the house. Or the aesthetics. Or the lavish, fancy outings. Those are all fringe benefits of some types of growth. The growth that matters in the one that's happening inside us as we pursue the fulfillment of our dreams. The problem is that social media, as it is today, can conflate those two giving our need for growth a confusing and distorted shape.
So what do we do when the comparison spiral begins? How do we stop it? What is the antidote to the comparison disease?
Pull back. Go into yourself. I’ve realized that comparing yourself to others is like having the lens on your camera set to wide for too long. You start seeing too many things and your vision can’t settle. So zoom back in. Right back into yourself. Ask yourself, what it is you need in order to get back to a place that feels stable for you?
I know for a lot of us, social media is the instigating culprit for comparison. Because it’s a highlight reel. Everyone’s “best” is always on display.
Even when someone does share their “struggle” on the way to their goal, it’s always quirky and plays on humor because we don’t want to turn off our followers and risk turning them away. No one wants to see content that depresses or makes them uncomfortable. So we play the puppet version of ourselves, pulled on by strings made of our self-administered bandaids.
Social media isn’t the real world. Not by far. Don’t get me wrong, some of my dearest friends have come through the medium of social media, and for that, I’m grateful. For someone who’s struggled with crippling social anxiety, social media allowed me a safe place to be myself and show others my world.
But now I’m at a point where social media has become work. It's almost soley a meter on which much of my success hinges.
And there are so many unattainable rules: Post every day! Post at this time! Post three times a day! Post this type of content! Post your face! Talk to the camera! Share your life!
Social media can help, but it’s not the be-all, end-all of how to reach our goals. Advice from the experts is something for us to try but not something to follow strictly.
I personally have decided to cut back on social media. For the foreseeable future I plan to only pop on there a couple of times a week to check messages, check on friends, and make the occasional post. But to be completely honest, in the couple of weeks I've already kept off social media, I already feel so much more breathing room inside my usually cluttered mind.
We all have to find our own unique way of approaching our goals. Those "rules"—post this, post that, post this many times a day!—need to be looked at as a guide. A starting point, perhaps. Much in the same way that only you can tell the story that you want to tell, your path in reaching your goals will be unique to just you. Maybe you’ll find an agent. Maybe you’ll self-publish. Maybe you’ll go hybrid. Maybe someone will discover you. Maybe at the end of it all, you’ll decide you want to move to the Himalayas and devote your life in service to Buddhism.
But the only way to get there, to figure out what we individually need to do, is to shut off all the outside noise and tune in. What’s your heart saying to you? What does it want to try? What excites you the most right now, in this moment? Listen.
We have to stop looking at following our dreams as this harrowing odyssey. There will be obstacles, but there doesn’t need to be any unnecessary suffering. We work a little. We play a little. We get it wrong. We get it right. We get it wrong again. We try something else. We get it right. Rinse and repeat.
But the light to that path sits inside of you. Not in what those you follow are doing. Not in ten courses titled “How to Market Your Book.” Not in what some influencer is preaching is "the only way" to make it.
Life is meant to be lived uniquely, and the best moments happen when we allow it to surprise us. So go forth and forge your own twisted path.
Brand new The Intuitive Desk site!
I've given my website a makeover, so if you're curious, hop on over to www.theintuitivedesk.com and check it out!
I always wanted a website that reflected my personality and the inside of my mind (pink!) and while my novel was out for edits, I finally sat down to put it together. With the help of my husband who did all the coding (which to me is the equivalent of witchcraft).
An author website as well? What???
With my decision to cut back on social media, came the idea to create an author website. Here I'll be able to post to my heart's desire updates, tidbits, all the fun BTS info that I think will be fun to look back on once my book is finally out. Of course, it'll also help with marketing and some other projects I've been quietly working on and about wh
ich I can't wait to tell you more about! It's still under construction, but I should be updating it very soon. If you're curious, feel free to visit and bookmark for lots of WIP goodies and news as well as some extras! (Maria C. Flores is my pen name and thus the name of my author website.)
I've received my edits back! And let me tell you, I am through the roof and just absolutely pleased with the work my editor has done. The precision with which she pinpointed the issues I was having is uncanny, and her suggestions for improvement have been a saving grace.
That having been said, I'm, at this moment, awaiting a printed, spiral-bound copy of my manuscript so that I can officially begin revisions. Of course, just because I'm pleased with my edit it doesn't mean that the work ahead of me isn't daunting. I've said it before, and I'll reiterate here: my novel will be a ghost of its current version once I'm finished working on the changes.
What did my editor point out? First of all, issues with structure. I handed her a manuscript that was trying to do too much and be all the things. I had not just a dual POV but a dual timeline, which is crazy sauce. And as an editor, I should've seen this, but I have a theory that during the drafting process, our writers' brains tend to go into full denial mode. Which is probably a defense mechanism—otherwise, how would we ever get the story out?
I have a muddling of women's fiction and romance and need to refocus that. I have flashback dumps that need to be better broken up and balanced. I'm missing a couple of important beats, as well as tons of interiority and character motivation.
All of this is to say that being an editor does not guarantee that, as a writer, you'll somehow produce perfect drafts. I have a lot of work to do, and while I would love to see this next phase finished by the end of summer, I'm giving myself until December.
I'm equal parts excited to dive back in as well as anxious. Part of me knows I would love to just work on this novel forever, but another part also can't wait to see it in its final form. But that's a long way away. Not to mention, it buys me some time to finally decide if I want to self-publish or attempt to pursue trad publishing.
What does my novel sound like?
I’ve talked about my need for music in all aspects of my life before. I actually don’t think I can function without music. I need it to write, to brainstorm, to edit, to cook, to clean—I even play music while I’m in the shower. If people play music at my funeral, there’s a good chance I’ll become animated again.
I like to say that this novel is my love letter to music and the imperative and influential role it plays in my writing.
Every month, while I continue this process of write, edit, revise, repeat, I’m going to share some songs from my numerous WIP playlists so as to give you and idea of the sound of my novel, the vibe, and the tunes that helped bring it to life.
My MC, Nina has deep mommy issues. But it wasn’t until I heard this song that the voice I’d struggled to find for four years (and Nina’s internal wound) finally revealed itself to me.
One result of Nina’s self-sabotage was pushing away the one person who was a refuge to her. But she’s going to run into him again at a music festival, and this song perfectly encompasses that awkwardness of running into an ex-lover with whom there was never any real closure.
Check in again next month for more songs! (Seriously, I have so many playlists and they’re not short.)
What fed my dopamine addiction in May
I started reading The Dance Tree by Kiran Millwood Hargrave—a historical fiction novel about the dancing plague of 1518!—and I was really enjoying it. However, I had to pause that because after my editor said Emily Henry’s Happy Place was a comp for my novel (a book I had because I’d picked it up on a whim as I made my way to the register back in January!), and I felt it was necessary to read that before beginning revisions.
I really liked the first half of Happy Place. The tension and angst of the two main characters were truly palpable. But sometime after the midpoint, the cohesion of the plot got a bit muddled for me. And while the last 25% was, in my opinion, all over the place, reading it was still helpful with regard to studying its structure and understanding why it works as a comp for my novel.
And then I got back to The Dance Tree and finished it, and it ended up being an excellent read, touching on the oppression of women and lgbtq+ folk by the patriarchy and the church back in the Middle Ages and how the dancing plague was likely a psychological and nervous response to the stressors of that time.
Hacks has easily become my new favorite TV show. I’ve looked forward to it every single year since it started, and, while I’m crushed that this is its final season, I’m also glad that the writers have decided to end it in a good place and not try to push the narrative for two or three more years. I think it takes a brilliant mind to understand the natural end of a narrative, and how trying to extract something more from something that has come full circle can only ever ruin it. Jean Smart and Hannah Einbinder are brilliant in this show, and don’t get me started on Megan Stalter’s impeccable comedic timing. The humor in this show is so fresh and so relatable. I’m going to miss it so much.
The husband and I have also been watching Margo’s Got Money Troubles and can I just…Elle Fanning is amazing in anything and everything she’s ever in, and this cast is truly a crème de la crème ensemble...but can I just bring your attention a moment to Nick Offerman in this show? If he doesn’t get nominated and win EVERYTHING for his role as Jinx Millet, I will literally riot.
The weather has been all over the place in Virginia. Why is it nearly summer, and we’re still getting days with highs in the mid-60s? I know, I know, climate change. Still. I feel robbed. And on days when it’s warm enough to go outside (Caribbean-girl-acceptable-warm which is over 80 degrees) my sinuses have decided to betray me.
Either way, summer opens the door to a brand new realm of possibility for my novel. The developmental part is always my favorite part of working on any novel, especially mine. Even when it means changing things. I know letting go of beloved scenes is hard, but I’m also itchingly curious about what lies on the other side of trying something new. Maybe it’s the Scorpio in me—we’re wired for transformation, after all. It’s our jam. I’ve already changed so much from the original conception of this novel, and if I’m being honest, it’s only improved every time. I know whatever’s waiting around the bend of this revision is only going to surprise me in the best way.
Until next time,
Have you been looking for a cozy novel to dip into over the summer? Well, then, let me recommend my friend B.A. Franc's novel, A Daisy in Lily's Valley.
This is a novel full of heart and charm, following sweet and optimistic Emiliana as she tries to find her own space in the world outside of her mother's overbearing and critical gaze. It's a story about finding your power and learning to stand up for yourself, especially in front of those who'd like to mold you to their own will and for their own benefit.
If you're into quiet novels full of charm, set in quaint little towns, with food descriptions so vivid they'll leave your mouth watering, then you should pick up a copy of A Daisy in Lily's Valley. Get the paperback here, or if you prefer the ebook, then get that here.
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